Scattered

One of the interesting things I’ve observed about having this blog is it’s making me more conscious of the somewhat erratic progression of my thoughts and feelings about my progress with Finn. As I’ve been reflecting on our last two rides and contemplating a blog post, I wondered to myself, “Didn’t I write about this just a few weeks ago?” The answer was yes.

I took a skim through some of my recent blog posts and it wasn’t really a process of realizing so much as a process of confirming that my overall focus could really use work. One day I’m all gung-ho about how getting Finn to move from his hind end more freely will improve everything, a few days later I’m all over intent and circles, I have several nice rides focusing on taking Finn out and about, and two weeks later I’m frustrated because my horse is still not moving forward freely.

On another level, it’s not terribly helpful that I swerve from the high of a dreamy ride to the low of an iffy one so easily. An excellent leader would maintain much stronger emotional balance than that. A leader keeps their focus on the big picture and doesn’t get distracted by the natural fluctuations and bobbles along the way. To put it in more specific terms, when Finn and I struggle, as a leader it is my role to remain endlessly patient and kind with him, taking him wherever he is and moving him in the direction of our goals by always keeping my hold on the big picture. In reality, however, I let FAR too much emotion get tangled in our bad days. I get impatient, I lose faith, I feel overwhelmed, and I lose sight of what really matters.

On the one hand, I’ll acknowledge these things aren’t really the end of the world. Truth is, Finn is more forgiving of me than I am of myself… always ready for me to come back and give it another try. All in all, we continue to make progress, despite these lapses. On the other, this is definitely something I’d like to improve upon. As a horsewoman (not to mention as a person), this is not who I dream of being.

So how do I move forward? So far as I know, there really isn’t much I can do other than be conscious of what I want to change, and then be very disciplined about changing it. Emotional habits are hard to break. I’d like to think, however, that with genuine commitment, focus, and patience, it IS possible. Next time I feel myself getting sucked into being flustered with Finn, I just have to NOT be. Add that to the vast list of things that is so very, very simple, yet not at all easy.

Part of my problem is how over-whelming I’m finding it to try to bring so many things together into a unified plan for Finn and myself. There is SO much that I want to improve. From big things like my riding position, my feel for his feet, my emotional fitness, the strength of our connection, to smaller things like a better HQ/FQ yield, clearer transitions, softer feel in our lateral flexion, and more consistent bend on our circles. And then I have so much outside input of things I ought to be working on, or shouldn’t work on, or MUST do differently. I admit, I am struggling to keep this all orderly in my head, which is why our sessions feel so scattered! It makes it difficult for me to keep strong and focused, because my focus is so splintered.

Just a few posts ago, I wrote about making weekly plans to keep us on track, and nothing seemed to come of that. Right now, I’m adjusting that idea somewhat to try something I’ve seen other bloggers do… monthly goals. Conveniently, we’re about to begin a glorious new month. So, I think now is the time to think really hard about what would be most useful for Finn and I to focus on for the next 31 days (I suspect commitment to remaining patient and emotionally centered in all situations will be the top of my list), boil it down into a few clear goals that I can actually keep a handle on, and then follow through. So anticipate a post tomorrow detailing my decisions, and we’ll go forward from there.