Reset

It has definitely been too long (two weeks!) since my last update. One big and exciting thing happened, which is Finn and I had our first conversation about finding the sweet spot somewhat by mistake! Once I realized what I had done, we were able to recreate it a few times. This had definitely encouraged me to be a little less "rigid" as I continue through the D,N material. Sometimes I am way too good at holding myself back!

One bittersweet thing happened... I sent the Thorowgood Jump saddle I was trying back to SmartPak and ordered the new version from Hastilow. It may take up to 10 weeks for the new saddle to arrive. Although I was sad to pack the saddle up and send it away, I really want to give the updated version a try before making a final decision. I am hoping it feels even better than the one I had!

One fascinating thing happened... S was super curious about Finn and the tarp, so she came out and played with him and it for several hours one day last week. One thing is for certain: it is not just me! Of course, I was pretty sure it wasn't just me, but I suppose you never know. Finn definitely wasn't about to give up his reservations about the tarp just because someone else suggested it to him.

And then a few sucky things happened... while watching S play with Finn and the tarp, I kinda alternated between being disheartened and encouraged. While new ideas were discussed (and some of them tried right then and there) and I was afterwards re-inspired to pursue them, over the next few, really quite low-pressure days, Finn became progressively more spooky, more tense and less willing or eager to meet me in the pasture. I gave up on my whole idea of spending 7 days having the tarp around even when we weren't actively discussing it. And then I suppose I just used up my very last drops of patience because, even without the tarp factoring in, I couldn't even bring Finn over to my car for some grain in a relaxed and calm manner.

I drove home in tears wondering if I should just give up. Either on Finn, or on horsemanship as a whole. To be honest, I have not entirely dropped the thought of selling Finn yet. In my mind, there is a very real possibility there might be someone out there better suited to him. Maybe someone he would just "click" with and trust right off the bat. Stranger things have happened.

Regardless, I knew the next step would have to be a break until I recovered some patience and desire to interact with him. I skipped the barn entirely one day, then went down just to feed him the next. When he saw me, he galloped to the farthest corner of the field and I didn't have what it takes to go after him, so I just dumped his feed out and went home. The next day (today), I actually caught him up and fed him. So at least now we've put one new positive experience on top of the bad stuff.

Many thoughts, questions and emotions have come up over the last several days and I only want to share those I think are the most important. First, I feel it is apparent that Finn needs a different approach, and I could see it going one of two ways. Either he needs someone to make everything about his relaxation and confidence, going super slow and not getting impatient with him... or he needs someone to make light of his lack of confidence and just laugh it off and work around it. To be frank, I am more inclined to be the latter.

Lastly, I want to share a potentially radical idea I've had about re-framing my horsemanship altogether. I am seriously considering the idea that maybe I don't want to keep Finn "forever." I wasn't committed one way or another when I acquired him... I thought I might sell him on in the future. More to the point, I am wondering whether I really want to keep any horse "forever." In some ways, since I lack the resources to have more than one at a time, feeling like this one has to be "the one" feels a little claustrophobic.

Obviously, I'm not going to move on any of this right away. Even if I decide to re-cast Finn as a resale project, I still have a few things I want him to know before I'd let him move on... ie, the basics of healthy biomechanics... and that'd be a few months in the doing at least. But, I am considering it. And I trust the path forward will become clearer as I, well, move forward. Because either way, the next thing that has to happen is I need to get back on good terms with my horse and my horsemanship.

I may discuss this in more detail in a later blog. It may appear out of the blue, but I assure you it is not. For me, there is definitely an appeal to the idea. A very real appeal. There is part of me that would very much like to buy and sell a few horses without the intention that any of them be my lifetime partner... and keep doing that until I find one I honestly and completely don't want to be without.

For now, though, I'm focusing on getting a reset on my relationship with Finn. Today was a reasonable start. We'll see what happens tomorrow.