I don't know what got into me, but one day while I was down at Brookside I started second-guessing my horsemanship decisions AGAIN. Mostly I started wondering if Buck's approach is really better, and if I should just scrap my interest in Dressage, Naturally and the themes from Aimee Brimhall's theories I've been trying to incorporate. And then I came home and played with some of the "Buck exercises" and got really frustrated when I couldn't get it right. I was unfair, harsh and impatient with my horse. I didn't share any joy with him, or help him take pride in figuring things out. And I ended each ride feeling awful and pleading for forgiveness.
This flip-flopping is such a theme for me and I am really getting tired of it. But aside from this relapse, I guess I have been improving. My recent decision to focus primarily on Karen's approach is, in fact, aligned with my personal goals. And crucially, deciding to focus primarily on one approach does not mean I must abandon everything else. I recently listened to an old podcast on my iPhone about how to handle either-or decisions where neither option is truly what you want. The answer: elevate your thinking. Realize that there are always more options than the two you're dissatisfied with.
Deciding to focus primarily on Dressage, Naturally doesn't mean I can't also practice the basic exercises Buck teaches. I am definitely interested in being able to do those simple maneuvers with a high degree of quality, and in being able to feel the feet move under me and place them where I want. I am definitely interested in having a soft feel with my horse through the reins and being able to ask him for flexion without brace.
One of the BIG things I am interested in is having the ability to ride my horse to calmness... one thing I want to shed is the Parelli approach of getting off to handle things from the ground if the horse gets worked up. While I am not above getting off if things get really out of hand, I want to continually increase my ability to work through this stuff from the saddle. I want my leadership from the saddle to be at least as good as my leadership from the ground. And that is one of the big reasons I remain interested in what Buck has to offer, because that is an element I don't think Dressage, Naturally or Parelli or Aimee's approach incorporate so much. So I am hopeful that having operating on a feel and getting very good with the feet in these basic exercises will give me the ingredients for that particular goal.
Another declaration (and yes, these are more for me than anyone else): deciding to implement some of the themes from Aimee's approach (like seeking the "we" and focusing on intent) does not mean I have to abandon other things I am doing to advance my Liberty or On Line work. In my heart of hearts, I am happy to have nothing more than very basic communication at Liberty, provided our connection is strong. I don't need to be able to influence Finn with my energy from 500 feet away or further. I don't even need to be able to influence Finn with my energy from 100 feet away. It's just not relevant to my goals, at least so far as I see it now.
So the bottom line, I guess, is I can pick and choose. It's not like anyone has been telling me I can't, except for my own internal demons, I guess. Hopefully this little "rant" will help me approach Finn with a clean, peaceful mind tomorrow and get back on track after this week of frustration. Maybe I'll just write it off as the effects of Mercury being in retrograde like everyone's been talking about on Facebook!
And the even more bottom line: when I'm away braiding, I often look through the photos of my phone of Finn, R, Riley and Buddah. This last week, I was particularly moved by this old photo of Finn and I, taken when I visited him in Maryland some five months after moving to Nevada and leaving him behind:
This is what it's all about in the end, isn't it? Love is the beginning and the end, and hopefully everything in the middle, too. The rest is just icing.
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